Gatz n life n shit

So after watching a 7.5 play then coming home to wrap myself up in  quilt and listen to coldplay.... I have become very self-reflective.

At first I thought about my life in general: I have very little direction. I know what I want, I know what I'm aiming for and I know what I'll become and they are all very different things. I'm afraid the life I wont will not provide the life I want to live, so I'm aiming for something that will, but piss my life away so badly that I'll probably lose all of it.

I know, all things considered, that Brisbane isn't the place for me. I just don't know whether I can give up what is here and move interstate (ie. Melbourne). I fluctuate with my feelings on this subject, but I do have some amazing friends and will find it very hard to leave them (we may stay in touch, but it wont EVER be the same). I think it would be quite difficult to pick up a new life...

Then there's my romantic life... or lack there of. I'm not too sure of what it could be: fear of rejection, self-loathing, hidden homosexuality or a combination... but I've been pretty lonely in this facet of my life. Certainly more lonely than I could have been (given the opportunities that have presented themselves). I attribute this partly to things in my past, but I second-guess myself with questions of it being an excuse...

Anyway, it's late and I'm tired...

PS. Gatz is an absolutly incredible piece of work and if it ever comes back I strongly recommend you go see it. In the mean time, go read the book (The Great Gatsby).

Irrational, emotional, angsty, corny rant (with emo picture to boot)

NB: This was posted at 3am after a night out, so probably not the most sane blog post in the world...

So I'm sick of it. Sick of being lied to, sick of being betrayed, sick of feeling insecure, sick of being messed around. I'm over it.

I went through 5 years of hell in school. Sure, there were good bits, i dont deny that. But it was mostly hell for me, and it screwed me up emotionally. For the better part of my life I have tried to be kind, caring, empathic and affectionate to those close to me and to those around me. I had faith in humanity that one day, somehow, I might get treated the same way.

I always tried to do everything for my friends. To be there for them, to help them with their issues, to cheer them up when they were down, to share laughs and share tears, to have moments and memories to look back on. Corny as fuck (important to note, in this rant), I know, but that's who I am. I did everything I could, even if it meant harm to me. I didn't care, because I knew what it was like. I knew what it felt like to be hurt, to be in pain and have no way to stop it. I knew that they needed me.

So it perplexes me when nothing ever goes my way. This may seem like a usual, teenage, angsty rant, but it doesnt change the way i feel. I finally think things are going my way and then shit hits the fan.

But what is even worse is when I finally let my guard down, when I finally get the courage and fortitude to let myself become vulnerable, I get stabbed in the back. Not just the back, but in the face, heart and lungs.

I'm sick, and I'm tired. I'm sick of caring, sick of optimism. Tired of being let down time after time after time. Sick of defending people not worth defending. Tired of looking past the multitude of bad to the insignificant amount of good in someone. Sick of being afraid to take a risk. I'm tired of being afraid of who I am.

The people who this is directed at: I'm fairly sure you're too self-absorbed to think this relates to you, or even bother to read it. Unfortunetly, there's a part of me that knows this will have no effect on you even if you did read it...

So that's it. I'm out. I'm done.

el Ranto

Ok, so i have tempoarally pulled my rant from my page due to it being a teensy bit abusive towards my employer...